Saturday, December 10, 2011

Adding to the endless deluge of pseudo-intellectual hob-knobbery...

Behold!  America's newest and brightest young cultural icon brings to you his very own blog*!  Unless you have been living under a rock, or have suffered irreversible brain damage from smoking said rock, it is generally accepted(under penalty of strappado**) that we could only be talking about Patrick S.B. . In a bold move that is already generating buzz amongst the kitten-picture-meme community, Mr. S.B. has decided to utilize his spot-on opinions on life, music, food, entertainment, and other mundane foibles to where it matters most: The Internet.  Named after Mr. S.B.'s favorite justification for American 19th century imperialism, Manifest Clandestine-y annexed its rightful spot in the internet(and our hearts) on December 10th, 2011.  Amidst laudanumμ-induced reveries and a doctorτ-prescribed Pop Tart binge, Patrick S.B. creates fierce and jarring imagery of what he interprets as the world surrounding him - a bleak, desolate view of the cold urban landscapes he must face with every waking day.  Yet, within this grim world view, like a strange but beautiful tapestry, is woven with threads of childlike whimsy and genuine innocence.   Luckily, not every post is cut from the same cloth... Patrick S.B. offers a tour-de-force of opinions, facts, figures, poetry, prose, and perspicacity intertwined with lush and sophisticated melodies, harmonies, and rhythms engendering a rich yet accessible experience the whole family1 can enjoy.  Because family2 is what matters most to the Dayton, OH3 native... growing up with a tight-knit family including 4 brothers and 6 sisters certainly had an affect on his moral fabric.  He has taken a vow to continue his legacy as a spokesman for the everyday American; to read and write so the everyday American doesn't have to.  Mr. S.B. has also stated that he "looks forward to a long and fruitful relationship with the Internet" and hopes to "spread (his) message of peace, love, and rock and roll to the much-deserving masses of our great nation".  If Mr. S.B. manages to warm the Internet's cold, calculating heart the way he's warmed America, well then hey... let's keep that laudanum and S'more's Pop Tarts a-flowin'.

- Patrick S.B.
Editor for Manifest Clandestine-y and close friend of Mr. S.B.




* - blog <blahg> noun.  A portmanteau of the words "blasé" and "log".  Essentially, a website where pretentious and humorless hipsters keep track of (or log) the trite mundanities of their everyday life. 


** - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strappado  Mr. S.B., a staunch advocate for "tough love", requests people be subjected to this classic form of Spanish Inquisition-era torture for simply not knowing who he is. 


(Mr. S.B. requested a green obelisk for this particular footnote as an homage to his two childhood heroes: Jesus Christ and the Jolly Green Giant)  There is a great deal of mystery surrounding what the "S.B." stands for exactly.  Due to the ambiguity of Mr. S.B.'s place and date of birth, and his family's crippling illiteracy, tracing his lineage has been next to impossible.  *Recent studies have yielded theories on the origin of "S.B.", possibly standing for "Saltimbanque-Biftek", Skitstövel-Brottfällig", "Sabungero-Bading"... it is commonly accepted amongst this research committee that he switched to "S.B." for anonymity purposes, and to maintain an "All-American" image that his otherwise extremely "foreign" sounding name may tarnish.


μ - Laudanum is an alcoholic beverage containing opium, morphine, and codeine, 
oftentimes  used as an analgesic(obviously) and cough suppressant.  It is sometimes
 known as "Tincture of Opium".  Poet Samuel Coleridge, according to legend, is said
to have written his famous poem "Kublai Khan" during a laudanum-induced haze.  


τ  - Mr. S.B.'s doctor was being sarcastic.  He can be very dry and sometimes his sarcasm is
 hard to detect.  Essentially, Mr. S.B. consulted his doctor, curious as to whether or not he 
could replace real food with its Pop Tart counterpart(e.g. blueberries replaced 
Blueberry Pop Tarts, apples replaced with Apple Pop Tarts).  Dr. Rasp Subaru 
supposedly found the question to be so ludicrous he felt compelled to reply 
sarcastically(the last straw being when Mr. S.B. asked about the health benefits of
replacing real S'more's with S'mores Pop Tarts). 


1 - Grandpappies may experience adverse effects to aforementioned enjoyment(e.g. indigestion, diarrhea, constipation, anemia, hallucinations, dysphoria, erections lasting more than 4 hours after viewing).  Consult your grandfather's doctors/hospice care before considering Patrick S.B. for your family entertainment.  


2  - As previously stated, very little is known about Mr. S.B.'s family life.  Illiteracy and social retardation plagued his parents and siblings for the majority of his formative years.  Patrick found refuge with various beat poets, bohemians, and French-Canadian carnival folk in the nearby Dayton "beat" district.   Many speculate he was the infamous "Little Ma'hambone-Jambon"; the young hobo/beat poet/petty thief who older poets on the scene referred to as "The Li'lest Daddio".  This is currently still up for debate amongst the research committee. 


3 - Sources now indicate that Patrick S.B. was born sometime between 2/6/1974 and 10/15/1991, somewhere between Pocatello, Idaho and Băile Tușnad, Romania.  Dayton, Ohio was decided as a "safe" halfway point.